WHAT NEXT?

I have chosen to write in blue tonight because that's the mood I'm in. I have allowed my husband's disrespect and his alienating of himself from our family to deeply hurt me to the inner most center of my heart and soul. The thought of taking enough pills to make them put me into a mental ward (mind you not to commit suicide: I have NO desire to die). I just want to get away and straighten my thoughts out and spend time alone with GOD and HIS word in prayer trying to figure out what the next right thing to say/do/decide is.
I did at least (for what it's worth) let him know how I feel. I am not going to do anything stupid like take a lot of pills, it's just a fleeting thought of escape.
I think that if Carrie Mae and I get to go to see Luray next weekend, that will help tremendously.
My soon to be GODly man, (I do know and believe in my heart that GOD will continue to draw him to HIMSELF through HIS SPIRIT until he has no choice but to let go and give his will and life over to GOD), anyway he has completely avoided me for weeks on end now whenever possible, refuses to take part in any family happenings, and jumps at the chance to get out of the house with anyone else that offers whether it's to work on the side or go visit/help someone out, or like tonight he's gone floundering. It's not that I mind his absence. It's actually a very welcomed break from having him be the way he is lately, which is progressingly worsening day by day. It's the ignoring me and when he's not he's degrading me and treating me either like a dog or a child-ordering me around and telling me, never asking me to do things.
I'm convinced that to an extent some of these things are due to his not feeling welcomed in his own home anylonger, but he's the one that is teaching people how to treat him. My part in it is falling back into the trap of treating him the way he does me more than treating him with compassion, understanding, love, and mostly the way I want him to treat me.
I can do nothing right in his eyes either.
Another thing is that with everything going on inside of me lately; I have not been a good wife in the way that he deserves. He does work hard and even though the fact that he is financially doing his part and he cooks more than not (because he likes to) there's not another thing I can say good about him and who he's become lately. I know from the experience of having suffered from this disease actively myself that it is not something there's an easy soft or simple fix for, but I also know that he knows where to find the help he needs and just ain't ready for it yet.
Well, I've vented enough. Thanks for letting me get this all out and not judging me, but if you have any words of wisdom on the subject; PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME!
On another note, I found out that my 2 youngest children have been smoking. I made them eat cigarettes as a consequence. I don't think they'll be smoking again anytime soon. They both puked. The oldest just layed his head over the top bunkbed and let it flow. He called his Daddy who in turn came outside to get me where I was cleaning in the yard and told me, "You need to get in there and take care of your son!" I think that was the last straw for me where he was concerned for today cause that's when I thought through what I was going to say as I cleaned the mess up and boy did I let it all out~quick,short, and vehemently. Then I simply walked away. I refused to discuss it with him any longer except to reply to his usual "I love you with all my heart" with "You can say that 'til dooms day but until you show it; it has no meaning whatsoever"
Alright, I'm done for the night.
May GOD bless us everyone with HIS grace, mercy, wisdom, and the integrity to do the next right thing. ~Lorraine