troubles again

It's been a humiliating kind of afternoon. I found out that instead of calling me, Anthony had Donna go with him and work with him after work all afternoon. I was crushed and embarrassed that he would prefer her company rather than mine. He never even asked me if I'd like to clean that boat even though I've showed interest in doing that kind of work and asked him about my doing it before. That's on top of the fact that he knows how I feel about that witch Donna. I have not in any, way, shape, or form hidden my feelings about her and him dealing with her. He has no regard for my feelings. He does what he wants, with who he wants, when he wants to do it. I hate that he doesn't respect me any more than to spend time with her outside of  work when he clearly knows how I feel but then again, that's my fault for having  expectations of someone's respect that doesn't even respect himself. He just tries me so much that I'm drained from it all. I am sick of this stuff! I'm sick and tired of watching him be sick and tired of everything. If I hear him say 
"  I'm sick of this shit." or"   I do and I do"   one more time I do believe I will puke!
Now my son wants to know if Donna will be his new Mommy and if she's black. He thinks 'cause she's the one riding Daddy around everywhere that they're dating. Now I wish I'd never had said anything to Anthony 'cause all he does is what he always does, tries to turn it around on me so that it's my fault. Now he says he let her do it 'cause I can't clean a boat. I know I can clean and/or detail a boat. 
And another thing: This morning he said he was going to go to his DWI class tonight but here it is 6pm the meeting is started and he's here cooking on the grill. I'll go to my meeting though and be better off for having gone. That's my plan anyway. It'd be much easier to cop out since I've got to help my nephew get his project done and still helping A.J. do his homework, but I know now I MUST start doing again what I know is good for me, even when what's good for me is not easy or comfortable. I'm practicing I've just got a long long long ways to go.
I do want to say before I close today, how much I enjoyed Colin's funeral service. It was almost as big a hit as his presence was in a room. The family did a spectacular job and my favorite parts were his Daughter's and Brother's and his Niece's words about him. The SPIRIT moved Lark to fore go her prepared speech and witness to someone about forgiveness. It was beautiful but I still want to hear her prepared speech that would have to of been grand!

Another day THE LORD has made

This is the day THE LORD has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!!!
I will attend Colin's funeral today. I've never liked funerals. I suppose no one likes them. Oddly, I am looking forward to it though. I am looking forward to seeing my Lark & my  Ms.Carolyn. Ms. Carolyn told me last night that she thought it would be a nice service. She told me that she shared with Colin what her plans were and that he agreed with them. She said she asked him if he wanted to know and he said yes. What a wonderful, blessed, powerful conversation that must have been.
Once when I dropped by on Halloween a few years ago, I remember thinking what a great couple they made. They complimented each other. I loved his charm and wit and could see how she had fallen in love with him. Of course, I could say the same for him. She's such a lovely person. Like a doting Mother Hen taking care of anyone who will allow her to. 
I have regrets now of not going by more often with the boys. I also wish I would have went by hers and Lark's homes after Colin came home from the hospital. I was not sure I wouldn't be more in the way than anything else. The day I visited him in the hospital and went by the house trying to beat the medical transport I felt like an intruder. I will make up for it after the family all goes back to their lives and homes. Perhaps I won't make too much of a bother of myself. 
I'm going to check on my friend Wandagail who is currently staying at the domestic violence shelter for women this morning. I haven't heard from her in quite a few days and want to make sure she is doing alright and doesn't need anything.

Frustration, Aggrivation, & Gratifude

I thoroughly enjoyed seeing Lark, Carolyn, and the rest of Colin's family this afternoon. They all seem to appear peaceful and alright which to me is an indication of what was once referred to me as being under GOD's anesthesia. I pray they all stay there for as long as possible and that they are all able to come through their grief as better people and a closer knit family. I am ever so grateful that that was the case for me and my brothers when our Mom passed away. It was the most difficult time any of us had ever expe3rienced in our lives and there were VERY TRYING times but in the end we were all the better for it and are now closer than  we even thought possible.
Now for the frustration and aggravation: Anthony left this afternoon to go work on a boat and never come home. That would've been fine if he would've bothered to at least let me know he wasn't coming home. 
 

Another day of mischeif

A policeman just came to my door to inform me that Christopher, A.J., and James had set a fire on the train trussel. They did it with my giant magnifying glass. So, now I have to get ready for Colin's visitation, praying that my brother gets home before I have to leave so I won't be worrying about them being alone while I'm gone. Pray for me!

The Cycle of Life

I am going to visitation for my dearest Lark's father who passed peacefully this week. I didn't know him very well, but on the few occasions I had the privilege of keeping company with him; I found him to be a delightful country soul. I am truly glad to see him go on to be asleep in the LORD. I am grateful he did not suffer for months and months as some I've known to. His family has been blessed to have been spared that long suffering aspect of dying. Although I am sure, to them, the suffering lasted more than long enough. I found out too, the family has another life coming soon.
It reminds me of losing my father in law. I was pregnant with A.J. when he passed away. It's so weird how the cycle of life is so evident in cases like these. One leaves this world and another enters. In our case, my son is the spitting image of his Daddy who in turn is the spitting image of his Dad. So, ironically, it seems like Daddy left only to be replaced by a tiny replica of himself.

Fear & Vanity

I have had a teeth pulling kind of day. I was put to sleep and had two teeth taken out of my mouth. One on each side on the bottom. YUCK!!! It was nice, not having to go through all the anxiety before and pain during. Mostly the anxiety was always the worst part. That, in turn, made the pain worse. This time I was scared, then I woke up and it was over. NICE way to go about having teeth pulled. I'll never do it any other way again.
I want to get a partial to make up for all my chewing teeth I've lost over the years. Luray's trying to talk me into a full set of teeth but I'm not sure I'm ready to go that far. The dentist told me I wasn't a candidate for them a couple years ago. He told me I was also a tooth away from qualifying for a partial back then. I haven't lost the one he was talking about yet, but I have lost 2 others and have 2 of my top front that need to be pulled. Those I refuse to let them pull before I know for sure will be replaced with the partial. Vanity, Vanity, all is Vanity....... I'll let them take my chewing teeth but not the ones in front that everyone sees....

Oh, What a Week

The red font is perfect to help express my frustration today and frustration is putting it extremely mildly! I am angry at my selfish alcoholic husband who seems to think of our relationship what I think of fishing: 'It's a nice thing to know is there and I enjoy it, but I'll do it when its convenient for me.' Marriage shouldn't be this way. It should either be a constant or not at all. Then again, I'm not married to just any other man in the world. I'm married to one of the ones like me-only not sober but wet. Heck, he's more than wet, he's drowning in the stuff.
I have enjoyed the day though. I studied how to listen to GOD with Charles Stanley, enjoyed digging in a couple of my gardens (pretend graves for my husband) and my B.F.F. came by and we went down the road and walked through an old house that will soon be destroyed so a new one can be built in its place. There's nothing like going through an old house where years ago people used to live. We gathered a few collectibles and headed back to the house with BIG PLANS to go back prepared in the morning after the boys go to school. FINALLY, they return from Easter Break tomorrow. No, that's right, to be politically correct-it's Spring Break-yeah right, to heck with being politically anything or to be correct for that matter, just for today I want to be that fiery red headed part of me and say to heck with anything and everything that's not what I want it to be.
My brother and nephew are coming home today. Bitter sweet return to a place that they reluctantly call home lately. Jim will soon move out with his son - at least that's all of our hopes. Perhaps GOD will provide a way for this to happen sooner rather than later. It really will be best for all concerned. This small house got too small for our family when I found out I was pregnant with A.J. on the day the doctor was to sign papers for me to have a hysterectomy. Now, A.J. is 6 years old and it's even smaller than before. Now that Jim and James are here; it feels smaller and smaller every day.
It's been nice not having anyone here but Anthony, the boys, and myself since Luray went home. Its been quite and peaceful most of the time. There's still been the normal ruckus created by having 3 boys and an active alcoholic but peaceful and quite for me just the same.
I am hoping that either Anthony stays away tonight or at least calls to apologize before he comes home. I'd prefer he just stay away right now but with GOD's help; I'll deal with whatever comes the best I know how.
Christopher is cleaning the kitchen up and getting ready to cook supper for us. He's cooking spaghetti tonight. He likes to cook. I think he'll be like his Daddy and be the cooker in his family.
Matthew & A.J. just got back from going to the B.P. and getting shrimp bait to feed their crabs with. Christopher & A.J. caught them in the 'swamp' by the train-trussel earlier today.
I'm back. I've dug in the 'graves', watered some gifts, eaten supper, and am about to have the second of three baths done before bed time. I can't wait for that time of night to be here when I am alone with THE LORD and can listen to whatever HE has for me to hear.

Easter Party/Week 2010

This has been a long weekend that's lasted from Thursday of last week when my first visitor arrived and is now in its last stage of being alone with my boys during the day and just my husband and boys at night. The alone time with just the 5 of us is welcomed and dreaded at the same time.
The weekend started with James, (my nephew) coming home early from school 'cause he threw up before school then later in the morning during school. Amazingly however, once home you'd never had known he was ever sick. He was outside having a ball when my dear friend Lisa and her 2 beautiful boys, Ben & Jacob arrived around 1:30 or so Thursday. This really bothered my boys when they came home from school since they aren't allowed to go outside or even watch T.V. when they're home 'sick'. I explained to them that I am not his parent and it is not worth fighting with Jimmy (my brother and James' dad) over. I also asked them if they liked staying home from school. Their answers came back with a resounding NO!!!!! Well, then my way is serving its purpose I told them. When the 'buts' began I held up my hand and said, "This conversation is over. Now go ahead and enjoy what little bit of time you will have with Ben & Jacob 'cause they may be leaving as early as an hour from now."
I thoroughly enjoyed my visit with Lisa. Although it was WAY TOO SHORT. She had to hurry and get on the road to Virginia to be with her new 'friend' and go to her new work. She will soon be moving there & it breaks my heart. I barely get to see her and the boys as it is with them living on Oak Island.
To my surprise and all 6 boys' delight, Ben & Jacob didn't only get to stay much longer than we expected Thursday afternoon, but Scott (Lisa's ex-husband, their Dad) and his new girlfriend Ginny said they would bring them back on Saturday for our Easter Party.
My next visitor arrived Thursday night. My 1st Cousin Luray finally got down off that mountain she loves to refer to as 'Andy Griffin Land' and drove all by herself (something she HATES) to come to our Easter Resurrection Celebration & spend a few days with us. We and my B.F.F. Carrie Mae loved being able to spend the quality time with such a Spiritual person. She loves to talk too. She told me one time during this visit that she even hates to hear her own voice sometimes. I think its beautiful and that she only talks so much when she gets around us because she has someone other than THE LORD to talk with. She lives alone and that's a conscious choice she's made. She did SO much for me & my family. She's my Luray like my Daddy's sister Aunt Glenda was to my Mom. Carrie, Lisa, Luray, and Glenda (another one of my dearest friends) all helped me with our little Celebration Party. Carrie Mae and Luray worked SO HARD on Friday that it not only made my home better for the party; but also my life is better because of them being here for me in SO MANY WAYS. I don't know what I'd do without them as part of my life and don't want to ever know again what life without my girlfriends would be like. That's a priceless gift from GOD through the programs of AA, Al-Anon, and even NA.
While Luray was here we went to see my dear friends', (Lark and Ms. Carolyn) Dad and Husband Colin while he was in the hospital. We arrived just in time to spend a good five or ten quality moments with him that I will never forget.